Is anyone else three months late starting their New Year resolution of exercise? I honestly thought I was going to give it a good go this year, but my logic is so sound that it just delays and cancels out the process. It kinda goes like this;
Step One. So this usually kicks off on the 1st of January, but why on earth would you start exercising on the 1st January? You’re tired, you’re hungover, you can just about make it to the shower at about 4pm, let alone even entertain the idea of of a “leisurely” jog or a few star jumps. I’ll start tomorrow.
Step Two. 2nd January, There is far too much temptation in the house still, there’s leftover Christmas chocolate that I haven’t even started on yet, I’m still working my way through the turkey, the crackers, the Pringles, the pigs in blankets, oh dear god there’s a special place in heaven for the pigs in blankets. It’s a waste not to eat all this food, I’m going to eat everything so it’s out of temptations way, and then I’ll start fresh.
Step Three. Work has started back, the thought of getting up to exercise before work is ludicrous, and exercising after work? Lets not be silly, I said I’d try to get fitter, not that I would neglect my Pinot time. Also, I need to give myself a break, it’s the first week back at work, I’ve got to ease myself back into things, otherwise my body is going to go into shock.
Step Four. By some absolute miracle, I have made it through an entire week back at work. Must go out drinking with friends to celebrate. Review Step One to see how Step Four ends.
Step Five. Back at work Jan has brought in the leftover chocolate and biscuits from home that her and hubby couldn’t possibly over Christmas. **Enter Ell, to help a gal out**.
Step Six. Who am I kidding? January is a write off, there’s still too much temptation left over from December, I’m going to start prompt on 1st Feb.
Step Seven. I guess I lost consciousness for a couple months there, how the hell is it the 2nd April? I guess I got caught up in ‘Eat your weight in chocolate because you’re single day‘, ‘Hey it’s okay that you’re single!’ boozy weekend (I have a lot of those).
Step Eight. 1st April. April Fools!! I’m not actually going to put myself through all this. Will review whole workout situation next year.
To be completely fair to myself, there was a time where I was actually pretty active. Last year it was all about Zumba. I loved it. I have a background of 15 years of dance before I had to give it up, so for me Zumba was a pretty natural step, leap, gallop? in the right direction. The group I went to I was the youngest there by a good 8-10 years, so I was feeling pretty good about myself. That was until another girl started, she was about my age. she was fabulous. Did I mention I was competitive? By joining this class, this girl, completely unknown to her, had walked into a dance off with me. She was oblivious for that entire hour that I was right behind her putting my absolute all into every toe tap and great vine. By the end of it when I was doubled over gasping for air, my face was so red that I had to make a pretty pronto exit to the car and drove home with every window down, half expecting other vehicles to mistake my face for a stop sign.
So Zumba fizzled out, and I started with Yoga. I do actually still go to yoga. My first concern for this was the farting rumours that come alongside this activity. But I’m guessing this is only if you’ve had two tins of baked beans approximately 15 minutes before class because my class is very grown up and without “interruption”.
– I’m out of work at the moment, so I go to a daytime one, which is when you get the older audience because of pensioner rate. My first class I was quite reassured by this, I can’t touch my toes for the life of me, but surely neither can they? Oh how wrong I was.
At the end of the class we were told to lie on our backs and lift our legs as far as we can, I was lying there congratulating myself at how wonderful my 90 degree leg angle was, a protractor would be jealous of this I told myself. I heard the instructor mention that if we wish, we could finish off with a headstand. No thank-you, I’m quite happy relaxing at my 90 degree. When I opened my eyes, I was met with the most magnificent sight, a room filled with pensioners doing headstands. My absolute favourite being the fabulous lady with breathing apparatus doing an unassisted headstand.
– This very same lady adopted me into conversation on my next class. She took pity on the socially awkward, silent girl that is younger than everyone else by a good 45 years. We were discussing the rate that we pay for the class, she only pays £3 because of her pensioner card, I pay £8 because I’m as far from a pensioner than you can get. She didn’t like this, her response was something along the lines of outrage because well, I’m young and obviously don’t have a job or money because I’m coming to a middle of the day yoga class.. So I spent the rest of the class pondering on how my appearance gives out the obvious vibe of unemployment and no money.
Spinning, this is a riot. This is my latest fad. Me and my best friend go to virtual spin once a week, don’t want to get too enthusiastic. There’s no actual instructor, just a big screen with a video of these Australian Gods with muscles that look photoshopped. I’m usually dribbling before I have a chance to sweat. This class appealed to my inner child though, my friend and I were going to the sports centre to play a game of badminton when my eye caught this room that was full of flashing lights and loud music that looked like a Primary School disco party. We enquired because, well, disco lights. and that’s how we ended up at virtual spin. It’s good, but my feedback would be that there’s a lot of uphill, you know? You’re being told you’re cycling up a lot of hills and mountains and rocky terrain, but I’m kinda like, well if I was really cycling I would absolutely avoid this route because there’s no way in hell me and my bike would voluntarily do this, but my main thought is, surely there’s got to be some downhill somewhere? A relaxing breeze and the sound of my screechy breaks as I make my way down the mountain that I’ve just sweated my way up? Also, I’ve worked bloody hard to get this high up, can we not just take a breather and take in the view from this hypothetical mountain and just enjoy the glistening disco lights that are substituting for that dappled sunlight and lakes that are at the bottom. But no, because as I am constantly reminded throughout this climb by the Gods with photoshopped abs, is that by stopping I am myself an obstacle and I am only letting myself down. Harsh. But the Gods have spoken.
So that’s kind of my view on exercise. I try, I make a good effort, in fact, gold star to me for effort. If I had an effort chart it would be full of stickers. But I don’t. Because I’m twenty something years old. Anyway, I’m meant to be starting a new exercise routine tomorrow, I know, I’m laughing too. So I’ll keep you posted, although it’ll probably go something along the Eight Steps above.
Anthems of the Post
Bird Set Free- Sia
Standing in Place- Mo Lowda & the Humble
Tus Pies (Your Feet)- HOKA